Barren

Rend all my garments and hold
Lay bare my flesh and hope
That this isn’t everything that I have
That something I cherish will outlast this

You give and take away

Tear me asunder and remove my pride
And with this downcast my eyes
‘Cause all I have witnessed is my own demise
And if I could choose now I’d much rather die to this life
And rise to the light

You give and take away

Oh my god

You give and take away

Carry me
(Every moment I’m losing myself – won’t you)
(All that is left now is my barren soul; oh god)

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The truth of life is that it isn’t perfect, and it isn’t always as we wanted it. Even then, even in the worst parts of our lives God is sovereign, and he does give and take away. I write this song now, when most of everything seems lost, not in materialism, but in spirit, because now I am the poor in spirit, I am barren, with everything I have loved, given, and suffered for is gone. Even still, I know that God is ever present, his heart breaks with my sorrow, he knows my name, and he hears me when I call.

Am I A Fool

Can you tell me
What makes a man like me
Forget all his dreams,
Forget everything

Can you tell me?
I don’t think you can
I’m just a broken man
Who keeps breathing

But I can tell you that it’s killing my soul and it hurts so bad, it hurts so bad
I hardly have the will to stand as this burden covers me
I can’t remember the times before I was buried in this deep, oo-ooh 6 feet deep

I won’t fool you,
I’m not lying
Yeah, this is who I am
No illusions to command

There’s no joking
No metaphors to hide behind
This is my weary soul
This is my weary soul

And I’ve been waiting to tell you of this beast that sits in my heart, darkest heart
But I can’t find the words to say what feel deep in me
I can’t express the things I think ’cause they’re no joke to me, I am really on my knees

Am I a fool, Oh God
Am I just waiting on, waiting on, waiting on a dream that’s no good to me
Am I a fool, Oh God
I just can’t seem to leave this solitary sleep, this dark part of me

Am I a fool, my love?
Have you been waiting on, waiting on, waiting on my words to tell you how much I hurt
Am I a fool, my love?
To think that you would come to me, come and rescue me, from myself ohoh

An Empty Redemption

Captured, I am just captured by my inability to succeed
And weary, I’ve never felt so weary, it’s like the earth, is reaching up, pulling

Me from my feet, me from my knees
Dragging me down, oh into hades

Whispers, I can hear whispers, like a small and still voice, from above
Is it the sound of angels? Are they calling me home?

Could it be the voice of the sea? Like a thousand seraphim pulling me, raising me
Or could it be the one I need, Father? Is that you?

The breath of life now placed into my lungs I’m breathing again, and my body’s so young.
I’m awake in the endless fields they oh they strech on and on.

But what is this? This not home? What is this? This is the war

But is it too late? Are you too late? Has my soul passed beyond?
I think you’re too late! Yes you’re too late! My body is young, but my heart is numb
I’ve already died inside, and there’s no resurrection for my shattered pride

(my son, my son can you hear me?
my boy, my prize, my own, can you hear me?
I know, I know, I know, that you’re weary
And one day, someway, somehow, you’ll understand me)

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“An Empty Redemption” is the 3rd and final chapter of the series of a songs I’ve been writing lately. In this piece, the son, is still downcast as we left him in “No Rest For The Wicked” but he hears something from above. Of course, he likens it to the sea, and it excites him, but because he’s so troubled in his heart, he can perceive everything the father is saying, indeed he wonders if it’s just angels speaking to him at first. Finally, the moment of recessitation occurs and his body is re-energized, as promised in “Though Wayward, You are not Wicked.” Alas, the son didn’t understand that he’d been resurrected, and when he was confronted with the battlefield instead of the pastures near the ocean, he lost it.

The song, and this story, ends with the father speaking softly to the son, wondering if he hears.

Though Wayward, You Are Not Wicked

Oh My Son you shall not pass Today
For this hour is not yours
I have seen your destructive ways
And I know that you don’t feel the same

But you shall live
Oh you shall live
To fight another day

Yes you shall live
Oh Son, you’ll live
To fight another day

By the blood you have seen and shed
It’s your curse to feel what’s been bled
No don’t try, the bottle will not help
No don’t cry, my Son, it will not help

But you shall live
Oh you shall live
To fight another day

Yes you shall live
Oh Son, you’ll live
To fight another day

My dear son, oh how I watched
Watched you cry, I’ve watched you die
I know it hurts, it hurts so bad
But it will be over, over soon

I’ve heard you calling, to the ocean for truth,
And I swear you’ll be taken to the shores soon
But the harvest is great, and the workers are few
and my son, my son I need you.

Though I know that this hurts, and you feel like you’re through,
your work is not over but it will be soon
So my dear son, could you hold your head high
Could you keep on walking, and keep up the fight.

My workers are so few, and I will be needing
A son for the future, a future that’s coming
Where you will be crowned, at my right hand so high
A prince of the kingdom, a prince of my pride

Oh my dear son…

There will be rest
For you there will be rest
There will be rest
When you are done.

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This song is a response to one of my latest pieces, No Rest For The Wicked. The idea for the song came to me when I was holding a rosary and repeating the Pater Noster. I felt reassured, which was good because I was on the edge of giving up everything. I was reminded that the harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. (Luke 10:2), and that, although I feel tired, now is the time to be in the fields for the Lord.

The title of the song maybe confusing to some and so I’ll explain the references: A small underlying claim of worthlessness is found in “No Rest For The Wicked,” and the very character considers that he must be wicked for this existence to occur. This song “Though Wayward, Your Are Not Wicked” is the Father’s response. As he is just he recognizes the issues that men have, references to the bottle, are references to my own issues with addiction to deal with pain. The title is also a reference to the song “Carry On My Wayward Son,” by Kansas.

In this song there is a very important underlying idea that ties into “No Rest For The Wicked” and it’s about the time to die. There is a strong expression, in the previous song, concerning a longing for death. What is of interest in this current piece “Though Wayward, You Are Not Wicked” is that God will not allow the character to die or to pass away. He needs him longer, and then he will give him his rest in Heaven.

My Voice

Knowing that I could be different, I could change, give me minute
If you wait, you will see
Things aren’t simply what they seem to be
If you wait, you will see

I am not perfection, I am barely living
This is who I am
Smile for the surface, don’t feed into interest
All of this is was for me

Hear my voice tremble with loss, confusion, dreams and visions
All I know is that I can hang on, knowing I love you

I hold mine so dearly, hold my heart so dearly
Never been so afraid
I can’t be bothered, to make myself an offer
To much, to much pain

No one else has come so close, I’ve never been so vulnerable.
Opened up, opened up
You my dear can take it all, hold my heart don’t let it fall
Opened up, opened up

Hear my voice tremble with loss, confusion, dreams and visions
All I know is that I can hang on, knowing I love you

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Despite the dating on this post, this is a song I wrote a good time ago. It’s straight up a love song. The theme in this piece deals with the fact that to really love, one has to open themselves up, and reveal their inner self. The culmination of this idea comes in the chorus: “Hear my voice tremble.” The reality is that inside, we’re not always as stable as we look outside, and people can only really love you for who you are inside.

No Rest For The Wicked

I am set in ways I cannot break, I am bound to drink and to
Taste the wine from this foul vineyard’s yield, this vinegar field
Though it stings I open up my throat, all the sores from yelling have been
opened up, yeah I’m opened up: this is worst then salt on the wound.

Have you not heard? I am prepared…
Have you not heard? I am prepared to die.

Since I’ve opened up my eyes I have held these lines by the blood of my brow (the blood of my brow)
Since I’ve opened up my eyes I have sorrowfully declined, my strength weakening (to this decrepit excuse of man)

Oh lay me down in sweet pastures near the ocean, that’s what I wanted, yes, that’s what I wanted.
Won’t you put me next to the ocean’s sweet lullaby, that I may rest in peace, rest in peace
Ocean you are my weakness, I have travelled far, oh so far, to be with you.
Ocean, beautiful Ocean, there’s no calm like the sea; oh so deep.

Ocean, Ocean, Chasing your love through eternity (I will find you one day)
Ocean, Ocean, Why can’t I be with you?

All I want is this! All I want is this! OH GOD, It’s all I want, It’s all I want.
All I want is this! All I want is peace! OH GOD, It’s all I want, It’s all I want.

(Ocean, beautiful Ocean, there’s no calm like the sea; oh so deep.
Ocean, beautiful Ocean, why are you so far from me?)

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This is another sad song. One of the marked difference between this song and other pieces is the lack of resolution. In the end, the character does not attain what he desires. It’s also unique because it sums up multiple issues in one. The first portion deals with sin and the seemingly uncontrollable desire to repeat even though it’s known to be damaging. The second section deals with the feeling of overburdened service: in the end, it didn’t matter and as a cause of sin, the race was not finished, no rewards given. The last portion, is the death wish, or at least the desire for release. This longing is two fold, for the Ocean represents not only peace, but a sweet lover (which to me is something peaceful).

Tralles’ Fall

Oh how far i have come,
one hundred thousand miles per hour
from stars above to six feet under
My soul to avarice, my eyes to lust
Far from heaven I have fallen
No wings to lift me now
I claw above, and try to escape
My grave is so deep, the earth above so endless
Hell hath brought me in, and I feel no escape
This torture holds me, my own knife to my throat
I’ve lost my Grace, lost my place
Cast myself down, threw myself away
I know, I know, I know how far I have fallen from you,
Heaven’s gates could not be reached from here
I cannot fly to my own rescue, nor jump to bridge this gap
I can only kneel and beg, to the sky, to you, that you will pull me up
Oh sweet Grace, how I love you, forgive me, take me home
Oh sweet Grace, I need you, forgive me, take me home
Oh sweet christ, abide in me, fill me, take me home

Oh how far i have come,
one hundred thousand miles per hour
from stars above to six feet under
My soul to avarice, my eyes to lust
Far from heaven I have fallen
No wings to lift me now

I claw above, and try to escape
My grave is so deep, the earth above so endless
Hell hath brought me in, and I feel no escape
This torture holds me, my own knife to my throat
I’ve lost my Grace, lost my place
Cast myself down, threw myself away

I know, I know, I know how far I have fallen from you,
Heaven’s gates could not be reached from here
I cannot fly to my own rescue, nor jump to bridge this gap
I can only kneel and beg, to the sky, to you, that you will pull me up

Oh sweet Grace, how I love you, forgive me, take me home
Oh sweet Grace, I need you, forgive me, take me home
Oh sweet Christ, abide in me, fill me, take me home

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Recently, the shades of my life have been a bit darker and I have felt as if I have fallen from grace. At one point, I was doing so well, fighting sin, comforting friends, just being a good christian. No, I’m not trying to say I was exemplary, but I was doing ok and feeling good about it.

But as with the lives of all people, sometimes we take a turn for the worst and go from high seas, to the depths below and sometimes that lasts an eternity. There comes a point though, from every darkness, that you have to understand that you’re not strong enough to get out, to get up, and to shine again. For that, you need God, and you need his grace.

Factoid: the Great Comet Tralles is a Non-Periodic comet that will either never be seen again or will only return in thousands of years.

Mourn

On this day, so fourthly placed, 
I commerate the loss that I have faced
I remember how the smiles would birghten and shine, 
the moments that we had such a great time,
How hearts would rise, feeling warmth around, 
and love would spread; like wildfire abound.
Now one has said goodbye, and the other had died, 
All of them have gone from under my sky.
But they will remain, if only as stars, 
reminding my soul and reminding my heart.
I mourn that not for regret, but for memory, 
‘else the pain of loss could last an eternity.
How I will miss the good things I had, 
but the past is not lost, and for that I am glad.

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Recently, in December, my girlfriend and I broke up. Althought we both have had our eyes on God ever since, it’s been a difficult transition for the both of us. Today would have been our 4th year anniversary. I realized that I hadn’t really grieved over the situation, and I think it’s something worthing grieving for and so I’m taking some time today to reflect on that. 

Also, this past week a good friend of mine passed away. He was a wonderful old man who inspired many people, and his funeral drew hundreds from across the continent. I am sad that he his gone, but my heart is joyful that he is with my Lord and Savior. Blessed be his soul as he is lifted up.

This poem is, at best, a brief reflections of the two greatest losses I’ve had so far in my life. I pray for blessings upon them, and for those of you who have suffered loss, may your heart be comforted as well. We should always remember, not all is lost, especially hope.

Lamentation of the Church

I see the world in a sad state: it’s broken and I cannot even stress that this is horribe and beyond escapable. what is all this duress? What was it for? Why did we curse the very essenses of what we have believed? When Christ is no longer lord of our hearts we get all this mess that you see.

But is it possible that we see beyond ourselves? Oh it’s time to retrieve.
The faith that we had when we were all born again, oh that we would believe
That Jesus can change our hearts and make us so different; we’ll never curse another man. He’ll help us to see that god has always been love.
Jesus can feed the hungry and help the weak and in us show the world we are unique and through us show that god has always been love

The poor, the widows, the broken and the fatherless, oh how they’ve been deceived! We said we’d hear the from the tops of our pulpits but instead we concede to fight ourselves from the top of our intellect and burn every see. Where is the love that my sweet jesus spoke about, oh I cannot believe

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It may seem strange to many, but I wrote this little song on my approach to the Catholic church, because only then did it really occur to me how sad we Christians are as a whole. We’ve spent the past era fighting ourselves when we all believe the same tenants, and we’ve weakened our witness to the world. It brings about a heart breaking question for me:

If all Christians are actually part of the body of Christ, where is this Christ among us?

Redemption

Here a taste of love, a taste of life. This beauty only found in sacrifice. And as angels sing the chorus of our lives, they’ll sing the song of how You have arised.

This is the song of our redemption. This is the song of how you brought us home.

A tragic moment passed and we are reborn: Our hero took the cross and with it the scorn. And now we take our place at his side. See the blood He spent, see how He died.

This is the song of our redemption. This is the song of how you brought us home.

This is the shout of your saving grace. This is our hearts given to you, oh Lord!

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This song is simply one of thanks. When I look at the meaning of the christian life it is Christ. Christ, brings song, color, joy to life. Christ is the very center of it all, it is because of Him that I can live, and he is my everything. That way, when the angels sing about my life, they will be singing about Christ, because He is the only thing to sing about in my life.