It has been yet again a long time since I’ve written anything here, although this time it has been quite different, because it hasn’t been because I haven’t thought of anything, or because I haven’t wanted to. No, on the contrary it’s because I’ve chosen some silence, to keep my thoughts to myself. As some who happen on this may know, the ultimate objective of this blog is to keep some log of my thoughts, maybe the best, maybe the worst, maybe just what is; so that I can one day share this with my own children. However, knowing that even a few can read these words, and be privy to some of my inner monologue has detracted me from my goal, and wanting to be a person of some strength, I chose silence as a way to mask my weakness.
I would not want to sound ungrateful of this past year, for many a great thing happened, but also a few really difficult things that I had a hard time talking about. My way of living life, the combination of being a rampant work-a-holic and dealing with that by being an actual alcoholic, caught up with me, and for a moment, I was pretty sure my number was up. On the surface, I can brag about how proud I was that the doctors and nurses were absolutely stupified by the fact that I was not only alive, but on my two feet, doing what I usually do – but the reality was I was terrified. When enough people in scrubs tell you you’re a dead-man-walking it can get to you. In my heart of hearts, I have never fealt so defeated, so weak, so confused.
I had already constructed a plan to do something different with my life, before I found out I had the rage blood in me, but this was very much the last straw. I wasn’t gonna sit there, and die without having seen some of the beautiful things this world has to offer. For a time I was just angry, and I don’t know how much of that got out, but I felt like I just had to work so hard all the time, whether it was the office, or all the volunteering I usually end up getting myself involved in. But hindsight and time have made me realize that’s nobody’s fault but my own, and since I’m a big believer in choice, I chose to get the hell out of dodge.
Fast forward, and here I am now, in London, far from my native land. I hope for myself, for the sake of what this is about, that I can get some stuff written down here now and get over my fear of my friends (because if anyone reads this, it’ll be you) knowing something about what’s going on in my noggin’, and get back to writing about my reflectiongs or experiences. That said, maybe this blog will take a turn – maybe there’ll be less PC philosophy… I don’t know. I just don’t want to make excuses anymore.