A Man Who Breaks His Own Heart

We move like swing sets
–  Talking Through Glass by Thrice

I write this, knowing full well the story isn’t over, but I suppose in my hearts of hearts, I am expecting the worst. I wonder sometimes how I do this to myself, get involved, dive in, commit myself to something as that is like a wisp of wind. Will it turn into a storm, or fade away with the rest of the air currents? Metaphors aside, I think I know the answers, and I don’t think I’m wrong for doing things the way I do them. Of course I could be, but what’s the point, if one doesn’t have a few principles?

Love – It always comes down to it. I believe it can make you the best you can be. Love will test you, push you to your limits. Love without bounds is passionate, intense, violent even. It’s open, flowing and vulnerable. Love is binding, a feeling, a promise, an emotion, a decision, a duty. Love is what I must do, at all costs. And I might be mad for thinking so, but I would rather give my all, then hold back, reservedly, with fear for my heart. To break it, to mend it… it can be done – and if that process means I will shine a light at least briefly into someone’s life; than it’s worth it. I do not want it to be said of me that I did not love, that I did not try, that I did not give what I had.

There will be pain and suffering, but there will also be beauty. If I give nothing, there will be nothing and I might as well be lost to an empty vastness. Here’s the rub: In all situations, I think love is the best I can do. I think to try as much as possible, although certainly not perfectly, to do something for someone else, give freely, and to extend oneself… its the best I can do. Sometimes, especially when I am weak and broken –  it’s all I can aspire towards.

I readily admit and I say this as a person who finds it difficult, if not impossible to love myself: The purest form of love is to live for someone else, to say that someone’s happiness becomes more important than mine and to enable them to achieve the best they can be, and become the best versions of themselves.

That’s exactly what I’ll try to do. If I can’t catch the wind, I’ll become it.

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